All the pieces of me.

I feel as though with every relationship -- minor or major -- I have given a little piece of myself away each time.

A piece of my innocence.

A piece of my trust.

A piece of my mind, body, and soul....

and a piece of my heart.

I, however, have not been looking for the man to put my pieces back together, or for the man who is the missing piece so many people allude to.  I have been longing to find the person who sees me with all of my flaws, scars, insecurities and fears and doesn't see a jaded woman.  The person who will take the bad with the good and shares my hopes, dreams, and aspirations in life.  The person who makes me better -- the best version of myself.

There were times in the last year I wasn't sure I would find that person.  At times I found myself in the moments of doubt, thinking "Maybe monogamy isn't in God's plan for you.  Maybe marriage and kids aren't in your future."

There were times I thought I would never get over him.  Times I didn't think I would ever be able to feel this way again.  Times I simply prayed to God to let me forget all of the hurt and heartache I had experienced and been fully consumed by.

It wasn't until I hit rock bottom that I was able to rise to the surface.

I prayed for a man who would make me stop and say, "it's all been worth it."

My mother always told me, "They say people walk into your life when you least expect it"

Maybe this is that moment -- maybe he's the guy.  Maybe he isn't.  But he's a part of my story, and someone I needed to come into my life as a reminder that the man I've been praying for IS out there, and if I'm lucky, I just found him....

"You have to love before you hurt. Break before you heal.  This is how it works.  This is how you become whole again." 

say you'll remember me.

I think I've finally figured it out.

Not to brag -- but I've never had an issue getting male attention.  Since moving to KC, in a year and a half, there's been a new guy every couple of months.  For whatever reason, things didn't work out with any of them--

"he's so tall, and handsome as hell -- he's so bad, but he does it so well, I can see the end as it begins -- my one condition is: say you'll remember me, standing in a nice dress, staring at the sunset babe; red lips and rosy cheeks, say you'll see me again, even if it's just in your, wildest dreams..."  

Do I regret anything? One would think, yes, but I actually don't.  Each situation, each person, they bring you to right back to where you're supposed to be.  And that's OK.  It's more than OK. There's something to be said for wearing your heart on your sleeve, ready to jump in head first, because you're hopelessly addicted to the idea of love.  It's OK because after all is said and done, I've learned something about myself from each one of these men -- from each date, relationship, conversation, and the eventual ending.

My newest discovery is that a lot of the men I try to date aren't actually emotionally available to me.  Or they aren't interested -- which is FINE, dating is a mutual admiration.  However, I feel like because I have always had my choice of guys, the ones who don't want me are like little challenges in my head, with Barney Stinson sitting on my left shoulder as the devil, saying "Challenge Accepted!"

And all this does, is get me into trouble of chasing after someone who is on a train that has no intent of stopping for anyone.

So now -- when I've ended up finding a man who has a great career, adores me, makes me feel amazing about myself -- i'm lacing up my tennis shoes, ready to bolt.  Because actually opening up to someone who could want to be with me, is terrifying.

Going after guys who in the back of my mind I knew weren't going to ever be my boyfriend or sustain a real relationship wasn't hard -- I knew it was an eventual means to the end, and it would suck, but I would move on to the next guy I'm attracted to.  Going after the guy who WANTS to build a relationship with me is scary because it's uncharted territory -- I don't know how to be selfless, I don't know how to interact with parents that could become inlaws, and I don't know how to let walls down to allow someone to get to know the real me.

I think I'm ready to.  I think I found someone who is worth it.  But how many times have I said that? How many more times will I be wrong?  I don't know how much more I can take of the getting to know someone, it doesn't work out, back to square one, situations I can handle.

I feel like I haven't 100% worked through some of the scars I have.  I feel like I've used new men as distractions from the hurt and the scars that have been left behind.

I like to think I've been ready to settle down and find the right guy -- but the closer I get to finding a guy who wants that with me, the more I step back and say, "is this what I really want?"

The new guy -- we'll call Drew -- is great.  He's fun. He's got a great sense of humor, style, and an amazing mile.  We have a very playful chemistry and he makes me feel so much better when I've had a bad day, and reminds me how smart and talented I am -- a trend I've started to notice in the men I'm dating these days.  He likes to go out -- something I worry about dating older men would be a problem -- I'm not trying to give up being a 25 year old just yet!

....and all of this just terrifies me.  I don't know how to let him in.  I don't know how to let him know what I want... if I even know at this point.  All I know is that literally overnight I went from not really caring about him too much, to he's all I can think about.

I can't even sleep right now because this is keeping me awake.. just thinking about what the next move is.  Any thoughts from readers out there -- go for it.

On second thought, maybe I'll throw on some netflix and try to get to sleep.  Monday morning is calling.

Someday when you leave me, I bet these memories follow you around.... 

following the map that leads to you.

It's been an interesting last few months.

I hadn't really stopped dating since I moved here -- I would figure out it wasn't working with one guy, and it was on to the next.  I kept myself pretty guarded, until I met him, and I really felt like everything was falling into place.

Then life happened, and he wasn't who I thought he was at all.  He played a good game, and luckily for me I had people in my corner to clue me in before he made a fool of me.  I was angry, and very bitter most of the summer.  I hated the way he made me feel, and it finally made me just step back and say "I've dated enough. I don't want to get hurt again like this. I need a breather. I need me time."

And it was exactly what I needed.  I found clarity from the situation.  I prayed a lot.  I focused on what it is that I really want from someone, and started to dive deep into my own patterns to find out just what it is that I can do to ensure I don't get myself into another heartbreaking situation.  I hate that I ever let him get close to me, I hate that I opened up and bought everything he was selling.  At the end of the day, I know he wasn't the man God has in store for my life, and it's a lesson learned.

Now, there's a new prospect on the horizon.  He's older, he's sweet, and he makes me feel important.  He lifts me up in ways that I don't think I've ever had a guy do before.

when I've had a bad day at work, or I'm working long hours -- which has been often lately -- he always reassures me that not many 24 year olds would stay in the office until 7 pm on a Friday night, and that my boss has to take notice of the time I put in and the work that I do.  It seems small and silly -- but knowing that he recognizes my abilities, that he notices me being upset, worn down, and negative and reinforces that I am great at what I do .... makes me believe in myself even more.

I love that we can talk sports for hours, but it doesn't friend zone me.  I've always been the guys girl -- the girl who talks football, basketball, and baseball and is "one of the guys."

We have enough in common, but also enough differences that I see a lot of potential to grow and teach each other things.

I want to stay grounded -- I don't want to jump the gun.  So often we put men up on pedestals and start picturing how we want things to go, and forget that it isn't just us who is making the decision.  They have a 50% say in it, too.  And more than anything, I have to trust God to bring that man to me when the time is right.  When He feels that I am at the point in my life that I am ready to settle down.

I think the last year has really made me a better person.  I've been tested.  I've been through some break ups, and lost a really good friend.  When it would be easy to lash out, be a negative, mean spirited person I have taken the high road.  And I've learned from it.  Acting out and hurting those who have hurt you won't help you heal, it's only a temporary high that in the end you'll be just as bad as them -- except YOU care, and they don't.

I can see great potential with this new guy.  He might be meeting my family this weekend if paths cross at the first home football game at my alma mater.  For the first time I feel I could confidently introduce this guy to my dad and brother -- watch them shake hands and say "he's a nice, respectable guy."

More than anything I'm ready to have someone to spend my Sundays with. And someone I can be proud to say, "yeah, that's my boyfriend."

Here's to not judging a guy by his clothes or his looks -- but going for the personality.  I've continually gone after "Douche McGee" -- your typical post-grad, I'm not ready to settle down pretty boys.  They're all the same, and they're a dime a dozen.  I've learned -- you can take a guy shopping and make him dress more to your standards -- you can't take a douche and makeover his personality.  You are who you are -- myself included -- take it or leave it.  I'm happily leaving the asshole type in my past, and focusing on a man who knows who he is, what he wants, and is gorgeous -- I just might burn his tennis shoes.

xoxo.

from the first time I asked your name it's like a drug that went straight to the vein..

Maybe it's the chase.  Maybe it's that mysterious smirk of your's and the way you look at me with your green eyes that make the rest of the world stand still and disappear all at the same time.  Whatever it is, I am completely mesmorized by you.

...I feel a high coming on, and it's all because of you.

I've been having the time of my life since I moved here. I'm surrounded by my friends and family, I'm in a job that I enjoy what I do and believe in who I work for, and I absolutely love Kansas City.  It's funny how once you're happy with yourself and your life, how everything else seems to fall into place.


We, could get it going like 1, 2, freeze - put up your hands and surrender to me.

I've dated more in the last 6 months than I did in college.  The difference is finding someone who isn't just a drunk fraternity / college student who is only looking for a good time.  The real world has a lot to offer when it comes to dating, and it is a breath of fresh air to go on a date with someone who has goals for their career and passions outside of beer pong or quarter draws. 

I know I'm easy to read and it's all because of you.

I've been waiting for something real for a long, long time.  Now that I'm -this- close to it, it makes me want it even more.  The last time I put myself out there with my feelings - really, put myself out there, and told a guy what I wanted - that was it.  No more phone calls, dates, no communication.  That was a huge blow to my ego and my self-esteem.  After some time, I've realized there was NOTHING wrong with me or what I asked of him - I was not the type of person he was looking for. Sometimes it's hard to admit that you can't be the person someone needs in their life.

I'm aware of what you're going through.  Not afraid to say I've fallen for you... 

This makes me very apprehensive to put it all on the line and tell this guy how I feel.  I'm not looking for an instantaneous serious relationship.  I don't NEED a boyfriend to be happy.  However, I want some stability. I want some reassurance that we are on the same page and ready to figure this out together, whatever this may or may not be. I just hope he can respect me enough to not lead me to believe otherwise.  

I don't care where we sleep tonight

I don't care if it's in or outside 

You know what to do....

Make. A. Move.

Guinea Pig.

Have you ever taken a step back to think of all of the decisions you make on this road we call life? I mean really take a step back and question your decisions.

Had I never taken a dance class, if I had never left SBS to go to Center Stage, I would be missing 5 or 6 of my very best friends who are still a big part of my life today.

If I had never gone to Mizzou and joined a sorority, I never would have had a sister.  I'd be missing some of the best friends a girl could ask for.  Women I will have stand beside me in my wedding.

And that's when it really hits me -- every day we have decisions to make.  Sometimes hard, sometimes small, and sometimes what seems like a decision that won't effect anything?  Well, that decision effects everything ....

There's not a single choice I've made that I regret.  There are days where I wish things were different.  Some decisions lead us down paths that aren't as pleasant as others.  We get knocked down, bruised, and beaten.  But we persevere. We don't go down without a fight, and when we do, we're right back up on our feet ready to face the next punch life throws at us.


Without those choices -- right or wrong, good or bad, we wouldn't be who we are today.  It never ceases to amaze me the countless times I have heard from jaded, negative adults that they regret the day they met Billy.  They regret not going to college to play the sport they dominated in high school. Sure, things could have been a LOT different had you gone to college on that swimming scholarship, if you'd never fallen for the idiot who says all the right things to keep you hanging around, but never had any intention of any kind of serious relationship.   But somehow, we always end up right where we're supposed to be.

You learn lessons along the way that toughen our skin, lessons that teach us that it's okay to follow your gut, your heart, or your head.  Do what makes you happy.  And if you fail, try again.

Sometimes you need to step outside, clear your head and remind yourself of who you are. And where you wanna be. And sometimes you have to venture outside your world in order to find yourself. 

I'm making the choice to follow my heart.  Follow an instinct.  Though I've been knocked down, broken hearted, and at one point lost all faith in the opposite sex.  The difference in my mentality now than a few months ago?  You may have screwed me over, made me feel every different emotion you can possibly experience -- crying one minute, to angry and wanting to kick you in the balls the next -- made me question my faith, made me question the faith I have in myself to truly see who people are.... but what you don't get to do is stand in my way of being happy.  I'm not going to try to build a new house by carrying bricks from the wreckage of the last house.  You can't hold someone else accountable for another person's mistakes.

So thank you.  Thank you for coming into my life.  Thank you for allowing me to use you as a guinea pig... one of these days I'll figure it out.

Love is a ruthless game unless you play it good and right.

When we're trying to move on, the moments we always go back to aren't the mundane ones.  They are the moments you saw sparks that weren't really there, felt stars aligning without having any proof, saw your future before it happened, and then saw it slip away without any warning.  These are moments of newfound hope, extreme joy, intense passion, wishful thinking, and in some cases, the unthinkable letdown.  

Red relationships.  The relationship that went from zero to a hundred miles per hour and then hit a wall and exploded. And it was awful.  And ridiculous.  And desperate.  And thrilling.  And when the dust settled, it was something I'd never take back.  Because there is something to be said for being young and needing someone so badly you jump in head first without looking.  And there's something to be learned for waiting all day for a train that's never coming.  And there's something to be proud of about moving on and realizing that real live shines golden like starlight, and doesn't fade or spontaneously combust.  

Well said, T-Swift, well said.  You just summed up my life.

time.

The clichés have always taught us that with time, all wounds are healed.  The sting hurts a little less, the longing for what used to be fades, and slowly you begin to feel like yourself again.  We've all been there, and if you say you haven't, then you're lying.  In one way or another -- whether it was a relationship, friendship, or a dream that had to be given up -- everyone has experienced this. 

I've never been one to wallow.  I truly believe that you have to be happy on your own before anyone else can be responsible for your happiness.  When something doesn't go how we thought it would -- which 9 times out of 10 is exactly what happens -- it's disappointing.  The problem with this, is that we have all these expectations for our lives.  It's like we all have a film strip of how our lives should play out and our mind is the projector.  When life doesn't go according to the storyline we've written and the timeline we have always hoped for, it's a let down -- and we have no one to blame but ourselves. However,  I'm a firm believer that there is a reason for God's unanswered prayers.  I've also experienced getting exactly what I've always wanted, and then realizing it wasn't what I wanted whatsoever.  Somehow, life has this funny way of giving us exactly what we need, whether we realize it at the time or not.  While we may think our lives have gone off course, life is what happens when you're busy making plans.   So you accept that if you just let go of the wheel of life, everything will be okay.

This is something I've struggled with.  I'm type-A.  I'm a control freak, and I'm a planner.  So much so, that it influenced my field of study and why I went to college to become an Event Planner.  I love organization, check lists, color coding, and planning ahead.  One can see why as a female, having a love for planning ahead is troublesome.  

I've always said the moment you realize you miss someone is in THAT moment you're doing something, you're somewhere, and you wish they were there.  You see something or hear a song that reminds you of them.  And with time, it stings a little less. 

There's not a day that goes by that I don't miss him.  I'd do anything for things to go back to how they were, and enjoy an afternoon on a patio sipping a long island and laughing.  This is where it's really easy to get caught up in missing someone, and longing for what used to be. 

 I had so many hopes for us.  That maybe, just maybe, he was the guy that might prove he's different from the rest.  The selfish, immature, inconsiderate guys who didn't have respect for me or for themselves.  Sadly, all I found was disappointment and heartbreak. I waited for the day that he showed up on my caller ID, or I would receive a text message from him.  It didn't come, and it still hasn't. I found myself thinking of him at different random times of the day, over completely off the wall things.  I wonder how he's doing, what he's been up to, and genuinely miss the conversations we used to have.  

And then, it hit me like a pound of bricks.  It's easy to look back and remember the good things, and it's also healthy.  But in the beginning stages of getting over someone, it's more tortuous than anything.  I try to remind myself of how insecure and neurotic I felt, and how I hated how vulnerable he made me feel.   I can now look back and smile remembering all the good times, and remember him fondly. The longing fades...

So what do you do next but throw yourself to the wind, and embrace life.  Know that not every day is going to be easy, or happy.  But if we didn't have the hard days, we'd never appreciate the good ones.  Start a project around your apartment, start a new work out routine, throw yourself into your work, and most importantly work on YOU.  Make yourself dinner, pour a glass a wine, and revel in your independence.  Do things that make you happy.  Carrie Bradshaw once said, 

"Don't forget to fall in love with yourself first." 

I'm in a new city.  I have great friends, a great job, I love my apartment, and there's no reason to wallow.  Timing is everything.  Who knows what life has in store for me, but I'm done trying to plan it all out.  
Let the chips fall as they may. 

<3